You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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