Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
