Swine flu. Run for my life!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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