So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
