Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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