he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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