I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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