you win again, gameday.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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