Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
