i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Welp...herpes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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