Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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