OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
