Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
