ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
