My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize