My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize