The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
