So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
