Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
