I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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