No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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