She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
