Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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