he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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