they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
