There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
