when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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