That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
