Even my vagina gasped.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
