I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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