Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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