Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
