Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
