I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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