apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He passed out mid-signature
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
