You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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