Kareoke will never be a sober sport
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
