Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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