TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
