K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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