I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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