Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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