True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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