They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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