he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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