seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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