I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
