I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
