Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
