Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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