we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
