You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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