so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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