obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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