I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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