dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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