At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
