a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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