She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
