I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
