Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
